Am I Thinking Straight?

Many clients have already identified their own unhelpful behaviour patterns. Far fewer are adept at recognising their typical thinking patterns – wonky patterns that get stuck and cause misery.

It’s all my fault

If something goes wrong, it’s all down to you. Others did not contribute, nor did the system. You are responsible for the health and happiness of everyone around you.

Super-competent-me

You have to be super-competent at every single thing you attempt. Failure is unthinkable, or you’ll be found out! A variant is that only you can do things to your own high standards, therefore you should take on everything yourself. If it isn’t done properly, it will be a disaster.

Over-generalising

You make massive generalisations on the basis of one small piece of evidence. One small incident is inflated to a general judgement – about others, your life, your career.

It’s not fair

You expected everything to be fair but it’s not. Other people get away with things. They should be severely punished but often they’re not. Fairness – or rather the lack of it in everyday life – becomes an obsession leading to jealousy and resentment.

I can change people

You believe it’s possible to reform or rescue people. You give them advice and it’s exasperating that they won’t follow it. Worse, they are not grateful. Sulking or inducing guilt in the other person doesn’t seem to work but that doesn’t stop you going on trying it as a tactic.

Discipline and perfectionism

Your language is peppered with musts, shoulds and oughts. You hold both yourself and others accountable and judge harshly when there is any falling-short.

The self-sacrificer/compulsive carer

You believe that you must always be virtuous by putting others first. Life should be about service. Your reward will be that others offer service back. Disappointment and anger must be denied when this doesn’t happen.

It’s important for me to be universally loved

Everyone should love you in everything you do. If they don’t, it’s a disaster. Maybe when they don’t, this shows that deep down you are an unlovable person. So you will go to endless lengths to flatter, be subservient, and avoid sticking your head above the parapet.

Everything should be peaceful and harmonious

Conflict is scary and always destructive. You must do everything you can to keep the peace. It’s better to ignore the danger signs because if you do nothing, it might all go away.

I am my feelings

Your feelings are The Truth. What you feel defines the world.

The narcissist

The world exists to service your needs. You are the centre, you are special and have a sense of entitlement to attention, success and admiration from others. Underneath, your ego is fragile but this is concealed in the super-confident way you feel you must present to the world.

Malign fate

Terrible things can and will happen and human beings have no say in whether they happen or not. If something is meant to be – it will happen. A variant is that catastrophe will strike. Terrorist attack, avian flu, nuclear war – once you know it’s possible, you believe it is likely.

My past defines me

You will never overcome a tragedy in your life. It will always be with you because it was and is overwhelming. You become a person defined by the event e.g. Abused Child, Widowed Young Mother, Mugging Victim.

As coaches, one of the most helpful things we can do is to

• Spot the pattern
• Name the pattern
• Ask the client if they recognise the pattern
• Challenge the generalisation that lies beneath the pattern
• Work with the client to spot it every time
• Introduce the client to greater flexibility in their thinking.