"If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."